My Anorexic Journey Part 2

It was very hard to post the first part of my anorexic journey yesterday, it is equally hard today. Why is it hard? I Would say mostly because I am putting part of my story out their and I am making myself vulnerable and I am worried about what others might think of me. Despite that I am going to post the next part of my story anyways. Here goes nothing. 

Yesterday I left of saying that I was afraid God was going to reject me after I Reached out to him. I felt a spark of hope almost immediately after I prayed. On the way home from the hospital we stopped at Tim Horton’s and I ate a small chili very slowly, but I ate it. The day before that would have been out of the question. I ended up going on a little get away for a couple of days with my mom and grandma, to clear my head and get a break. I did a lot of praying, reading the bible, and soul searching. I found in the bible that God does love me and he will not reject me. The hard part is accepting that love. The verse that struck it home was Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” This was his proof that he loved me. I was struck by his love for me, I knew he loved me from this verse. It was hard to accept it. I felt so undeserving. So bad. So dirty. I came to the conclusion that I could choose to believe he loved me even if I didn’t feel like I deserved it, even if I didn’t feel like it was true. Feelings are unreliable. It is like this poem by Marten Luther:

Feelings come and feelings go,
And feelings are deceiving;
My warrent is the Word of God–
Naught else is worth believing.

Though all my heart should feel condemned
For want of some sweet token,
There is One greater than my heart
Whose Word cannot be broken.

I’ll trust in God’s unchanging Word
Till soul and body sever,
For, though all things shall pass away,
HIS WORD SHALL STAND FOREVER!”

― Martin Luther

 

So was everything all better and was that the end of anorexia? Not in the least. I still struggled greatly with it for a while to come. But that my friends is for you to read about in tomorrows post! 

My Anorexic Journey Part 1

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I have struggled with many things one of those things is anorexia. Anorexia is a greedy selfish monster. He always want more from you and is never satisfied. I have struggled with disordered eating since probably grade 9. I would comfort eat, and I would also go short periods of times without eating anything. As I go older the not eating worsened, sometimes I would go a week with eating nothing or next to it. But it wouldn’t last long and I would start eating again… That is until I got tipped over the edge. I was in hospital for others reasons and I was put on a medication that caused significant weight gain. I gained a lot of weight quickly and as time went on I kept piling on the pounds. I hated myself. The med I was on made my metabolism slow down and greatly increased my appetite and lowered my control with food. It was a night mare.

After about 5 months I took myself off of it. I stopped the med cold turkey. That wasn’t the best way to do it as stopping like that caused a set of problems in its own. I did however notice a difference in my eating e few days after I stopped the med.. I had control again! I loved every second of that control, I Relished it, I finally had the power to say “no” to food again. I lost weight starting almost immediately. I was in control and I wasn’t going to stop.

At first I lost weight eating healthy, but then the anorexic monster poked its head up. I started eating less to lose more weight, it continued in a downward spiral until I ate nothing and had to go to the hospital for a brief stay for IV. The trip to the hospital for brief stabilization append more than once. Months went by and I was still loosing weight. I had already reached a good healthy weight and wasn’t satisfied.

It got so bad that every time I would eat I would get extremely suicidal. I hit an all time low. I had just experienced some rejections and I couldn’t handle living with the struggle with food. I was at the end of my rope.  I remember collapsing on my driveway not having strength to move, I just curled up on the cold driveway and sobbed heart wrenching sobs. My mom took my to the hospital for the suicidal attempt I had made that day. The Dr. who I had that day had seen me before and threatened to put me back on the medication that had caused the weight gain in the first place. He said it was better to be fat and eating than skinny and not eating. I was terrified of getting put back on that medication. The Dr. ended up letting me go home that day, because he said I could just eat and it would all be fine. I was angry with him for not understanding. I didn’t want to get admitted but I needed help. I felt so rejected everywhere I turned for help I got turned down. I felt completely and utterly drained and hopeless. I felt like I was going to die from pure anguish. I walked down the hospital hall sobbing. I did something that saved me that day. I squeaked out a prayer to God. I was so afraid he was going to  reject me too. I asked him for help. Almost immediately I felt I little spark of hope rise up. Maybe, just maybe he would hear me and help me.

Join me tomorrow to read what happens next in my journey with anorexia.

Friends

Everyone needs friends. Some people are fortunate to have lots of friends living close by to them, others are not so fortunate. I have a couple of friends but I hardly ever see them or spend time with them. I feel lonely. My friends have their own lives to lead I can’t expect them to make a lot of time for me. But it is still hard. Maybe you have experienced this, if you have I am sorry for you. It is tough feeling lonely. But there is a positive. I have one friend who is always with me and never leaves me, he is always close by to me. Sometimes I try to run from him but he never leaves. He is a great listener, always available 24/7. Sometime I forget all of this so it is a good reminder for myself. Jesus can be your friend too. I’m blessed with a supportive family and a God who cares for me… but it is still hard, and I do feel lonely, I know I am not alone but I still feel that way sometimes. I need to go out and make some more friends, but I stay home a lot more than I probably should.

Button

I just got a cat yesterday she is cute kitty, her name is Button. She is a beautiful black

kitty, she is seven months old. I also have a dog. Cat’s and dogs both are great

companions. I am thankful for them, without them, my family and God I would be a lot worse off. God is good all the time, all the time God is good. Sometimes it is just hard to see the good in everything. I have to learn to trust God more and turn to him. He is my strength otherwise I would have no hope.

My favorite verse:  “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
    What can mere mortals do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

And a few other reminders I need, and maybe you do too:

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31

 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“I waited patiently for the Lordhe turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth,a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.” Psalm 40:1-3

 

The Light

The Light

As darkness dawns
A new monster spawns

Fear lurks slowing
The eyes light glowing

What is out beyond your sight?
You start to shiver in your fright
What is growing in the night?

But I say, have no fear!
For always, Jesus is near!

He is a Light in the dark
Things start to look less stark

Now there is no fright
Sleep sound tonight
For Jesus is the light

In response to word prompt Creature

Treasures In Heaven

Maybe you’re dreaming about that new car or getting your nails done, getting that new t-shirt, or getting that kitten. Maybe all your attention is going into getting that raise at work. Maybe you’re like me, and you’re spending a lot of your time stressing out about things that don’t really matter. Things like losing that few pounds, or going to that appointment next week.

The thing I”m learning is, none of those things really matter in the long run. Things rust, thieves steal, weight comes and goes, life happens. Matthew 6:19-24 says, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal,  but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  

The world tries to sell you so much stuff that you don’t need, and things that are actually not important. The things that really matter, are the things that last into eternity after death. Everyone lives forever; it is where you will live that is the question. God want us all to spend eternity with him, but he leaves that decision up to us.

How much time do I spend worrying about earthly things when none of it will last into eternity? I bet no one is going to be fat in heaven, so why stress so much about it? I’m recovering from anorexia, so this new thought is like totally mind blowing for me. Why do I worry so much about weight when it doesn’t really matter? Yes, our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit if we are God’s children, and God wants us to take care of our bodies. However, I’m sure he doesn’t want us to go to the extreme, and unhealthily obsess about our looks and weight. It is not the outward appearance that really matters; more importantly, it is who we are in the inside.

What do we spend out time doing and thinking about? Is it honoring to God? We should be asking ourselves if we will bring whatever it is, with us into eternity. I’m not saying we shouldn’t enjoy ourselves if it is honoring to God, I’m just saying for me anyway, I want to turn my focus toward the things that really matter, and things that will last.

It is my heart’s desire to follow God, but the world and its desires, and advertisements, sometimes sidetrack me, and I get caught up in the latest thing that I think I need. 1 John 2:17 says, ” The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.” And Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” I want to try to seek God’s kingdom and store up my treasures in heaven, rather than on earth? Is anyone with me?

How To Train Your Dog To ‘Hug’ You (Aka Deep Pressure Therapy)

Image result for dog deep pressure therapyImage result for dog deep pressure therapy

Dogs are a wonderful creation of God. They are more than simply a pet- or at least my dog is to me. My dog is my friend, buddy, companion, and. Helper. My dog follows me around the house everywhere I go and sits or lays beside or on me. I think she would do almost anything for me, and me for her. But sometimes when I am really distressed my dog doesn’t quite know what to do, she will just look at me almost saying, “I know your upset, I want to help, but how?” In this post I will teach you step by step how to teach your dog to give you deep pressure therapy, or simply ‘a hug’. Deep pressure therapy is very helpful in calming anxiety and helping you to focus in on the moment, if your anything like me you may need a lot of help doing those things sometimes. These steps are based off of your dog already knowing basic commands.

Step One-
Have a special treat ready. Lie down on a bed, couch, or floor, then get the attention of your dog.

Step Two- Call your dog beside you.

Step three-
Bring your hand with the treat to above your face hovering over your chest, slowly lead your dog to walk on top of you. Give treat.

Step four-
Repeat the same step, except this time, give the command to lye down when the dog is on top of you. Give treat. Work on this until the dog will readily lye down on top of you with its paws on your chest. If it is a big dog they may only put their paws and chest on you, if it is a small dog they can lay right on top of you.

Step five-
Switch the command from lay down to ‘Hug’ Or whatever cue you want to give. Practice until the dog will give you ‘a hug’ at any moment.

Step six-
This is a more advanced step. Once your dog readily will give you ‘a hug’ by your cue, you can train it to give you a ‘hug’ by your distressed symptoms. For example if you hyperventilate when your really anxious, then for this exercise fake the noise and say “hug”. After a bunch of practice your dog will learn to give you a hug when you hyperventilate.

That is the 6 steps to teach your dog how to hug you. Enjoy your dog hugs!